Detachment
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I have had this some sort of detachment feeling towards people that I've met ever since I graduated from secondary school. For example, I may look like I am friends with them but in reality I do not count them as my friend, they are basically, just there. The number of people that I feel close, comfortable secure and loved is less than 10 but I do not have this emotion towards my own mother.
Most people I've met throughout the years all share the same qualities, they look at things on the surface. I know I am not that good looking but I also know I am fun and most of the time I feel like I'm being ignored. Whether I'm buying something or trying to strike up a conversation in a new environment. Although people think their body language may be subtle to others but it affects me a lot. That same group of people that ultimately want to be friends with me, only after seeing me with people I am comfortable with but by then I would have close myself off them. These went on for years and finally I've generalized Human beings to be a hypocritical monsters that look at things on the surface and thus, makes it really hard for me to trust others, let alone be friends with them. I was fat back then (still fat now) but I've lost a lot of weight and do look different from back then but I still could not shake this emotion away.
I've tried suicide before but non was successful. And ultimately I gave up on that too.
I'm really curious as to how I am able to rectify this and to open myself to others again. I've been bottling up my feeling for years and this is also the first time I am writing my thoughts down. I guess I'm getting tired of crying myself to sleep every night.